Better Than Me
by Trini08
Summary: John is gone, and Teyla can't stop reading his letter. SHEYLA song!fic, cuz thats what I do best


**New story, random ideaIi came up with, typed it up in like a half hour. Yeah, I'm in a sad mood again. Whatever, sadness appearently brings out my muse. Hope you like**

**Song is Better Than Me by Hinder**

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_I think you can do much better than me  
__After all the lies that I made you believe  
__Guilt kicks in and I start to see  
__The edge of the bed  
__Where your nightgown used to be  
__I told myself I won't miss you  
__But I remembered  
__What it feels like beside you_

Teyla sat on her bed in Atlantis. It had been little more than a month since John Sheppard had resigned from command in the city and she missed him. For almost 7 years he had stayed despite his feelings of guilt over lives lost. She had known that he carried the weight of every life that was lost in the city, even though the deaths weren't his fault.

She has a feeling that it was the most recent Wraith attack on Atlantis that had pushed his guilt over the edge. They had attacked so fast and so hard, they had lost so many friends during the attack. They had managed to fight them off eventually, but it took almost 5 days. McKay had died attempting to fix a new defense shield the city had received from Earth; Ronon had died fighting off Wraith that invaded the city. Teyla, herself, was seriously injured.

_I really miss your hair in my face  
__And the way your innocence tastes  
__And I think you should know this  
__You deserve much better than me_

Teyla remembered John everyday. It seemed to her that there was no placed in the city that her and John didn't have a memory. Whether it was as simple as working out together in the gym or sharing meals in the mess hall, to the more personal memories like walking the halls late at night talking. She couldn't even go anywhere near his old room, which still went unoccupied, because of the memories there. His bed was the first place they made love, in front of his door was where they shared their first, welcomed, kiss.

_While looking through your old box of notes  
__I found those pictures I took  
__That you were looking for  
__If there's one memory I don't want to lose  
__That time at the mall  
__You and me in the dressing room  
__I told myself I won't miss you  
__But I remembered  
__What it feels like beside you_

They had never had a proper goodbye. That was her biggest regret; that she never got to ask him to stay, to tell him it wasn't his fault. She knew how he felt, but none of what had happened in the last 7 years had been his fault.

_I really miss your hair in my face  
__And the way your innocence tastes  
__And I think you should know this  
__You deserve much better than me_

Teyla hadn't known John had resigned until after she woke up in the infirmary. She cried for what felt like eternity when she found out. She also screamed at anyone who was near her, asking why they didn't stop him. All he had left her was a pile of photographs and a note. She read that night every night before she went to sleep, and she still couldn't figure out why he felt the way he did in the letter.

_The bed I'm lying in is getting colder  
__Wish I never would've said it's over  
__And I can't pretend  
__I won't think about you when I'm older  
__Cause we never really had our closure  
__This can't be the end_

As Teyla lay down that night to go to sleep she pulled the letter out of the drawer it was in next to her bed to read it again. She brushed her fingers over the fading letters, the somewhat smudged ink and the tear stained paper, both his and hers.

Teyla,

If you ever get to read this, I'm sorry I'm not there. I'm sorry for so much, for Rodney and for Ronon, and for waking the god damn Wraith. I'm sorry I cant be there for you. I love you and I didn't want to leave you, but I had to go. Please go on with your life, forget about me, please. You don't need a seriously messed up guy for your lover, you deserve more.

John

_I really miss your hair in my face  
__And the way your innocence tastes  
__And I think you should know this_

_You deserve much better than me_

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_**Please r&r, thanks**


End file.
